Not as Good as I Expected

I'm trying to make a conscious effort to focus on my marriage in the midst of all the emotional, financial, and spiritual challenges we have been going through. I listened to this audio book from the library and was pretty disappointed. It's boring. Overly technical at places and a little blib at others. Did I mention it was boring? As a skeptic I wonder if this is little more than a commercial for their new E harmony Marriage subscription service. Surely the marketing partnership left a bad taste in my mouth. With only three audio discs this was TOO long for what it had to say.

Marriage, My Mom, My Mentors, & Music

In John Eldridge's WILD AT HEART he suggests that every male is longing to answer the same question... Do I have what it takes?

As we settle into our recent monumental changes, I ask this question often. Being a husband, dad, pastor. Do I have what it takes?

Diligence. Faithfulness. Consistency.

Those are the three words for this new season. Three concepts I'm longing to understand better. Three attributes I want my kids to see in me. Three causes I wish the Church would wear better.

My wife is the best. I can't imagine living this adventure with anyone else. She has sacrificed so much in answering this call. When my time is in such high demand, I know our time is often what I neglect. Saying "I'm sorry" seems like an understatement and insufficient expression of my heart. I am hopeful for her to somehow know peace and quiet in a house with three small children.

My mom is a special lady. How do you forget to call your mom on her 55th birthday? Is that a symptom of overwhelming changes or a well meaning compliment? As we celebrated Mom's day at church Sunday, I was reminded of how my mom continues to go out of her way to make my life better, easier, and more meaningful. I can only hope she sees the grace and redemption in the legacy that is our family.

I was so encouraged to meet with a group of pastors this week; my peers, mentors, and friends. No one pointed out my failures. No one said "You shoulda...". They prayed for me. They acted like this little church plant in West Phoenix was the most exciting thing happening anywhere. And many of them drove a great distance to do so.

I struggle with creativity. Part of me longs to be an artist, a poet, a musician. Often people in those vocations frustrate me, yet I am envious inside. You may not know this, but from 6th grade - high school graduation I played Trombone. Marching Band, Jazz Band, Offertory Orchestra at church... that was me. I never really over achieved in any of these ( I got awards like "most improved" and ""most inspirational"), but I always enjoyed the social outlet of hanging out with musicians. There's always been something inside me that has great respect for those who can create expressions of beauty. Most recently I am impressed once again by Cobalt Season. Their new Song Time Will Tell resonates with some of what I'm feeling. You could listen on their myspace and check out the lyrics if you are interested. (By the way, I am biased towards the trombone accompaniment)

Diligence. Faithfulness. Consistency.
I am thankful for those listed above who have demonstrated these to me.

Sheet Music

I'm just about finished with Kevin Leman's marriage manual "Sheet Music". I've been trying to take some proactive steps in keeping my marriage healthy during this stressful time of transition.

It's been fun. I'm sure many people would disagree with him. Some probably think he's an uptight prude while other's would probably question his salvation. It was refreshing to me to read a book from a Christian worldview that deals with sexual technique and physical intimatcy. Where I grew up, there just wasn't alot of discussion about ky jelly, orgasm, oral sex, erogenous zones, or the other topics Dr. Leman tackles.

It really is the kind of book I wish I would have read seven years ago. Any newlyweds out there? Check out this book!

I'm a Jerk.

We were on our way to the airport. I can't remember why she was riding with me and not her folks. LAX is the #1 gateway to the Asia Pacific and is served by over 90 passenger or cargo airlines. She would be boarding a Japanese Airlines 747 headed to Tokyo before connecting to Jakarta in the morning. The whole decision for her to go was kind of weird, but finding God's will is never an easy thing. Helping missionary children in a foreign country sounds like something HE would be for. That had been one of the struggles as we dreamed together; I wanted to serve youth and church planters at American churches and she had this "heart for missions". Besides all the other reasons people are hesitant to get married ( family, finances, fear); there was this tension in wanting the other person to be used by God in the ways that HE had uniquely planned for each of us. We had been together for 5 years. She was a freshman, when we started "going out". High School Sweet Hearts seemed like an understatement. Neither of us had dated anyone else during our post adolescent lives. Now we were going to be on separate continents for the next five months. We were on the 105, just minutes from the airport and I said; "I think we should put things on hold while you're away. Maybe we should date other people". This made so much sense at the moment, but in hind set I think it was the dumbest thing I've ever said in my life!

She did not meet any Indo boys to run away with and marry (true love could have happened despite a massive language barrier). She did not meet some much more godly missionary dude who would be better for her than me ( probably because the only "missionary dude" there was married and the father of the kids she would serve). It seems silly but I actually thought one of these things might have happened.

I asked three girls to spend time with me as "just friends". One told me no and the other two drove me crazy! It was about six weeks before I sold my soul to AT&T long distance and became an AOL IM freak. She came home in June to see her sister graduate, was confused about that whole missions calling thing, and was more in love with me than when she left. I was so happy to have her back in good ol' North America, and knew that she was "the one".

We were married the next fall; September 23, 2000. That's the day my life changed. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She is beautiful, smart, and has a christ-like compassion for others that keeps me on track. It has been an amazing ride. '02 brought kiddo #1, barely. '04 brought kiddo #2, my first girl. '06 brought kiddo #3, my baby. '07 brought the procedure that says this is enough. We are looking forward to other "new life" and "births" into our journey and have become acutely aware of the even year pattern. We might have '08 figured out, but I'm still dreaming about '10. Did I just say '10? I met my life in the 80's. Back when TMNT was live action and Transformers were still on the small screen. We survived the 90's together, and have spent most of the new millennium married. She has been a part of my life longer then she wasn't, and I hate being apart from her. She is the best!

One word of advice for my non-married readers. On your way to drop your girl off at the airport, is the WRONG time to say, "let's date other people."

Defense of Marriage

I have been trying to stay out of this discussion. But the recent news of more Word Faith Televangelist marital woes continues to make me sick. The article linked above also has a list of some fairly popular ministers who have walked through divorce. While I definetly grew up in the more conservative circles with folks blindly quoting the prophet Malachi; "God hates divorce." I don't believe divorce should eternally disqualify ministers. In fact some of my favorite pastors have this tragedy in their past and it is just a part of their redemptive story.

It does bother me immensely though that the political actions of many christians against homosexual marriage (which I think I am also against). Have been labeled as "Pro-marriage" or "Pro-family", often by people who have been divorced and remarried several times. It seems to me that marriage as a sacred God-ordained instituition has long been abaonded not just by our culture, but in many ways by the church. I understand we are all broken and in desperate need of God's redemptive grace but why does the church more easily extend that grace to adulters, fornicators, and liars and not to homosexuals?

How can folks in good concience stand with their Pastor, after he kicks and punches his wife, and then openly condemn gay unions, and call it "defense of marriage"?

Wierd! The wife and I celebrate seven years this week. I want you to know that I am a selfish, imperfect person, and so is she... although less than I am, I think I married up. It is only by God's grace and alot of hard work that we are still married. But I'm glad. I love her. She's the best. And it's because of her, and the last seven years, that I believe this God ordained instituition is still worth defending. Maybe we will be part of a change where "Pro Family" means something different than "anti- homosexual", because as far as I'm concerned, this family is forever, and I am so thankful for it.

It's Not ACTUALLY our Anniversary...

Until September 23rd. Since I'm preaching that night and taking students to Six Flags the day before, we celebrated this weekend. Just me, the wife, the Ashe Cabin, and no kids. No Blogging. No Internet. No movies. NoTV. It was fantastic. I beat my high score for Dig Dug on my wifes phone... twice. I finally finished Freedom of Simplicity by Foster and also Things You Should Know by Now by Jason Boyett.

Spent lots of time with the wife. Drank lots of coffee. Ate half a gallon of Ice Cream, and slept often.

I also had time to re-evaluate some goals I made at the begining of the year.

Here are the dissapointments....
It's after Labor Day and I weigh more than 250 lbs. I have not taken the classes I planned to and I have not been disciplined in my good eating habits or my walking. I have yet to make it to a local youth pastors gathering this year. I'm half way to my bro's 08 b-day and I am not half way done with my Bible reading. My debt is just as overwhelming as it was before and I still wish I made more time for the wife and kids. While blogging quite a bit, I have not submitted any articles or manuscripts to anybody.

Here's the good news...
I have made huge steps in the way I value relationships. I feel like things are good with the wife and each of my kids. While I haven't attended too many meetings, I have stayed fairly connected by email, phone, and blogging to several friends, local youth pastors, guys in my fellowship, and also emerging circles. I made three book club meetings and am looking forward to what's next for that unique group. I feel like I have been being mentored and am also mentoring others. I go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. I have a more regular schedule that usually involves breakfast. I've read a ton of books this year. I am managing my time better, and I am in the process of implementing some good changes in our youth ministry. It has been a struggle, but I have been intentional in keeping student ministry the prioity in what I do for the church. I have taken some fairly significant steps towards one day planting a church. I feel like my bro is more healthy and more at peace than he was at the begining of this year, and I feel like I had a part in this.

Conclusion.
I want to value PEOPLE not programs or policy. I want to value RELATIONSHIPS not rules and regiment. This has been a healthy good change in my life. This has been difficult and time consuming. This goes against what I used to be, and goes against the functional practicality of the culture I live in. There were events that I could not have planned for that impacted my health, time commitments, financial commitments, and ability to meet all of these goals. I am still a largely undisciplined, weak, imperfect person who becomes overwhelmed easily and often finds accomplishment in doing the least effort required. I am still a part of a local church that schedules so much ministry and outreach that sometimes I feel like there is little time left for any real ministry or outreach. My goals were good goals. I will continue to work towards them.

Today didn't Suck.

Funniest thing I heard today.

So where Are you going for your honeymoon? Texas. Why Texas?
I have to meet my mother-in-law.

Sometimes I think I'm so cool, and emergent, and cutting edge. Let me just admit, I'm the biggest dork on the planet! In spite of that, I am blessed with wonderful friends. I serve a wonderful church with the best students anywhere. My wife is the most gracious, compassionate, and caring person on the planet, and she's beautiful (and she has a pretty good eye for photos). My kids rock. Oh yeah, my kid's uncles are pretty cool too.

I survived today and things went better than I thought they would.