Beyond Overwhelmed

This adventure is like nothing else. Yesterday was an interesting day. For the first time I felt deeply hurt, angry, alone, and abandoned. I know better. And I'm not giving up. But those feelings were real.

Relationship

What is the value of relationship? Which do you pursue? Which do you let go? How do you measure value in relationships? Is ministry really dependant on relationship? What do healthy relationships cost? Define work. Is that saying about letting a butterfly go really true? How do you earn trust? When is it "ok" to quit? How can you lead in spite of insecurity and doubt? Transparency is overrated. Is sustainability possible, with out selling out? Why does a sovereign God allow suffering and hurt? Do you need to read your Bible more or get another job? What's next? Should I be excited or scared? How much does it cost?

Today was for all purposes a great day. A great day packaged in an incredible weekend. Things at my secular job seem to be finding order and direction more than ever. I seem to be enjoying some sort of new found respect from my employees, peers, and overseers. The church I pastor is building great momentum and had record attendance this morning. Yesterday the church had a "matthew party" like baby shower... coed, organic, and different than any I've seen or heard of. Despite four families being unable to attend, our home group tonight felt well attended and allowed for some excellent sharing and genuine discipleship. Why am I awake, unable to sleep and feeling overwhelmed, dealing with questions I do not have good answers to? My heart is happy but the uneasiness is disturbing. I long for shalom.

Marriage, My Mom, My Mentors, & Music

In John Eldridge's WILD AT HEART he suggests that every male is longing to answer the same question... Do I have what it takes?

As we settle into our recent monumental changes, I ask this question often. Being a husband, dad, pastor. Do I have what it takes?

Diligence. Faithfulness. Consistency.

Those are the three words for this new season. Three concepts I'm longing to understand better. Three attributes I want my kids to see in me. Three causes I wish the Church would wear better.

My wife is the best. I can't imagine living this adventure with anyone else. She has sacrificed so much in answering this call. When my time is in such high demand, I know our time is often what I neglect. Saying "I'm sorry" seems like an understatement and insufficient expression of my heart. I am hopeful for her to somehow know peace and quiet in a house with three small children.

My mom is a special lady. How do you forget to call your mom on her 55th birthday? Is that a symptom of overwhelming changes or a well meaning compliment? As we celebrated Mom's day at church Sunday, I was reminded of how my mom continues to go out of her way to make my life better, easier, and more meaningful. I can only hope she sees the grace and redemption in the legacy that is our family.

I was so encouraged to meet with a group of pastors this week; my peers, mentors, and friends. No one pointed out my failures. No one said "You shoulda...". They prayed for me. They acted like this little church plant in West Phoenix was the most exciting thing happening anywhere. And many of them drove a great distance to do so.

I struggle with creativity. Part of me longs to be an artist, a poet, a musician. Often people in those vocations frustrate me, yet I am envious inside. You may not know this, but from 6th grade - high school graduation I played Trombone. Marching Band, Jazz Band, Offertory Orchestra at church... that was me. I never really over achieved in any of these ( I got awards like "most improved" and ""most inspirational"), but I always enjoyed the social outlet of hanging out with musicians. There's always been something inside me that has great respect for those who can create expressions of beauty. Most recently I am impressed once again by Cobalt Season. Their new Song Time Will Tell resonates with some of what I'm feeling. You could listen on their myspace and check out the lyrics if you are interested. (By the way, I am biased towards the trombone accompaniment)

Diligence. Faithfulness. Consistency.
I am thankful for those listed above who have demonstrated these to me.

Monumental Changes

On Monday I took my kids to the Phoenix Zoo. On Tuesday I went to the MVD of the AZ DOT (motor vehicle division of the Arizona Department of Transportation). I had two vans inspected and took one to the Emissions Inspection Station. On Wednesday I went back to the Emissions Inspection Station with the other van and then went back to the MVD before going to a seperate CDL MVD office where I instantly recieved my new AZ drivers liscence. Friday I took the family to Chase Stadium to watch the D-backs spank the Padres.

New Zoo. New liscense Plates. New Drivers Liscense. New Ballpark.
All of a sudden it hit me. I'm not in Kansas anymore. In fact I'm not in California anymore. My entire life is different. I am still processing through some monumental changes. My family's life will never ever be the same. There is no turning back. Exciting times, exciting times in deed.

Transparency

This adventure; planting a new church (aka birthing, pioneering, or starting a new church) is really beyond my natural or learned abilities. It's hard... emotionally. Being the pastor, the guy in charge... that's heavy. Like spiderman... "with great power... ya de da de da".
We had our first home group, last night, it was fabulous. Good food. Fancy trader joes drinks. The reading of scripture. Middle school baby sitter finding purpose. People from different worlds colliding and trying to figure out what it looks like to be the church. The night ended later then I expected with all the men playing "magic" at my kitchen table. Good times.
Morning worship was good. People worshiping, fellowshiping, listening to the preaching of the word. Yeah,... preaching; the one thing I was pretty confident about, this I can do, this I am trained for. Now I wonder each day, "Could someone be well fed spiritually with a diet of only my preaching?" Probably not. At least there are a lot of books, tapes, CDs, and MP3 downloads out there.
So many good things are happening. When folks from the mother church call I'm tempted to only tell them those things. Is there some tangible way of calling this a success or failure? I have this excel file called "Coldwater stats" and I track attendance and offerings, like those are measurable markers. It's sick, I catch myself trying to count the unborn in our congregation as a way of padding those numbers. If only they could give an offering.
There's no real way to count the "what ifs". What if we didn't show up? How many from our church would not be regularlly attending church? What if these opportunities didn't happen? How many would still feel lost looking for a place to minister? What if we had waited till the fall? Who here, would have totally given up on church between now and then? What if we had done exactly what the church planting gurus say, Would anything be different?
I'm loving the adventure. I'm ok with the pressure; wanting to be a good financial steward of the generosity of those who are supporting us and also handling well the time of those who are here and sunselfishly sacrificing many hours. I'm everyday realizing this is much bigger than me, or anyone else. I'm thankful that it's Jesus' project., and I'm thankful for the privilege of being a part of it.