Wednesday, March 11, 2009


You know, I'm not even sure how old I am some days.

I'm happy to be married. I can't think of life with out her.

My kids are fabulous. Sometimes I wish I could spend all of my time with them. Honestly, sometimes I just need a break. A chance to get away from them. Still, they are each a wonderful blessing


I've been searching for a healthy and sustainable one for over a year now.

Glimmers of Hope. The edge of Desperation. I just can't seem to find it.

Things have changed. Oh, how things have changed. I can't do what I used to. She can't do what she used to. The little ones just can't do much yet. Are we getting old? What happened?

Leadership is an interesting quality. One some have said I posses. After all these years you'd think I'd be better at it.

I don't mind the stress, or the expectations, or even the lack of sleep.

The adrenaline, the sense of purpose, and the hope for the future keep me going.

Under this stress, my frustrations seem magnified. My weaknesses are highlighted. And I struggle with doing the important. I see the same results in those closest to me.

Should I leave this frontier and go home? I don't even know where I would go. This feels like home. It's hard but it's home. There are so many things I worked hard for. Years ago now. Goals I invested in, that today seem empty. They were not bad, and they served their purpose. I just feel like I don't have much to show for that time now. I wonder how I'll feel ten years from now... about this time.

I have a feeling the joy and meaning are in the process. I feel like I'm getting better. I'm still learning to hear God's voice. I'm still learning to love him and love others. I'm still figuring out how to be a dad and a husband. I'll probably never be really good at video games. Theres alot of things I may never be really good at.

I hope I do good at relationships. My God. My wife. My kids. My friends. My family. Those God has allowed in my circle of influence. I want to leave a positive mark. I want others to be able to say nice things, or at least respect who I am and what I am about. Here's to the journey.

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